Pit Bull Test

Do you fear or suspect you may be harbouring one of these fearsome beasts in your home? Take this test to find out the definitive answer!

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Test 1- Keep the suspected pit bull dogs in another room of your average home. Wait until they are asleep. The evaluator, in the formal living room of the home, will take an expensive, small-sized throw pillow from the sofa, and toss it into the middle of the floor. Within two minutes, a pit bull type dog will appear, and will circle and mash the pillow with its feet. Grunting noises of satisfaction in making the pillow just so may occur the more full-blooded the dog is. The dog will then lie down on the pillow, trying to make itself as small as possible, so that it fits as much of its body on the pillow as possible. A snort or whiffle of contentment is a definite sign that it's a pibull you're dealing with.

Test 2- Confine the suspected pit bull dogs in another room. This test will take place in the master bedroom of an average home. You need a queen or king sized bed, immaculately made up. Place a small, fresh out of the dryer personal garment, such as a sock or underwear on the edge of a corner of the bed. Within two minutes a pitbull will show up, jump up on the bed and lay down on the item.

Test 3- This test takes place in the bathroom of an average home. The evaluator will enter the bathroom, closing the door firmly but not completely. As soon as the evaluator sits down on the john, a pitbull will smoosh the door open with their face and come on in. They will stare at you pointedly as you go about your business. Some will lurk behind the door, with one eyeball staring at you in a disconcerting way (assuming the evaluator is shy).

Test 4- The evaluator will sit on a sofa or chair. The suspected pit bull will be placed across the room. The evaluator will hold their hand, all fingers facing forward, palm down, and reach out toward the dog. As they reach, they will rotate their hand about 30 degrees from left to right (like the queens wave, only facing the ground). A proper pitbull will immediately understand that this is the universal, non-verbal signal for petting, and will proceed to cross the room, and place their big, fat head under your hand. Grinning by the dog or evaluator is optional. Leaning on the evaluator or trying to ooze into their lap is a sure sign that it's a pitbull.

Test 5- The evaluator will allow the dog to lick his or her face. If the dog tries to lick the inside of your eyeball, ear, or nostril, it's a pitbull.

Test 6- This test will take place in a spacious area. The evaluator will wait until the suspected pitbull is lounging comfortably on a sofa or bed, and appears disinterested in the evaluator. The evaluator will casually sit on the floor, and begin to either do excercise type stretches or attempt to use their 'Ab- Roller". A true bull breed will ooze off the sofa, and come and stand on your hair, or stick their very cold nose into your eye, or lay down on you, thus negating the exercise you were going to do, in favor of petting the dog.

Remember, this test has been developed to allow law enforcement and the justice system to fairly and accurately determine which dogs should be unfairly punished for being the breed that they are. This six step test is an ideal way to address these issues in your community- be sure to ask for it!